So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My vagina just clenched in fear
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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