Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
