I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Randomize
