when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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