I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
