Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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