This is not my ceiling
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
why is half of my head shaved?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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