I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
