if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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