I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
