Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize