i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Princesses don't give blow jobs
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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