the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In other news, I just burned my penis
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
