I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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