you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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