somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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