saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This girl is more easily done than said...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
