my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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