Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
