Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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