It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
