Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
