I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
