I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You ruined the universe
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
