yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
