pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize