woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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