i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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