New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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