I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
