My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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