What a fucking waste of an outfit
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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