We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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