accomplished twins. life is a go
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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