Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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