i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
