he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
