I think I died a long time ago.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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