found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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