I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
