and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
