turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
