It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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