When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
