Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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