I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
