The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
worst night to have a conscience
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
