Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
