I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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