You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
