i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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