you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
