last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
