hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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