if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
