I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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