So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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