I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
